How to Deliver Constructive Feedback in Difficult Situations

I’ve found that empathy has a side-effect. I can get so focused on how the conversation might affect the other person’s feelings that I lose sight of why the conversation is needed in the first place. Without a healthy amount of ‘self-empathy’, we often find that our own needs, and the needs of the business, take the passenger’s seat.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an awful name for one of the most powerful communication courses I’ve ever taken. NVC helps you to be honest, without criticising, insulting, or putting down other people. To grasp the complexity, NVC makes some subtle but critical distinctions:

Observations vs. evaluations

‘The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.’ — Jiddu Krishnamurti, Indian Philosopher

Our brains are hardwired to take raw information and instantly make up a simple story — good or bad, right or wrong, hero or villain. These stories are evaluations and they are very hard to separate from observations. An easy way to check whether you’ve made an observation or an evaluation is to ask yourself, ‘What did I actually see or hear?’

Emotions vs. thoughts

If you can substitute ‘I feel’ with ‘I think’ and the phrase still works, it’s a thought, not an emotion. And sharing our thoughts in difficult conversations can often get us into trouble, especially if the other person disagrees and wants to correct you.

Universal needs vs. strategies

NVC asserts that all human beings share the same universal needs and that behind every negative emotion lies an unmet universal needs. [PSP: there are NO negative emotions. all of them just are emotions] 

Common universal needs that come up a lot in difficult conversations are: Autonomy, Collaboration, Consistency, Clarity, Integrity, Recognition, Respect, Reassurance, Security, Support, Understanding.

Requests vs. demands

Both are strategies that would meet an unmet need. But unlike demands, requests are invitations for the other person to meet our needs … but only if it isn’t in conflict with one of their needs. There are three principles that can help you make clear requests:

a) Make it specific. Spell out the concrete behaviours that would meet your need for respect

b) Say what you want, not what you don’t want. Take time to clarify the behaviours you want to see

c) Stay curious. There are many ways to satisfy your underlying needs, but is there a way of satisfying everybody’s needs? To maximise the chance of having your needs met, treat ‘no’ as an invitation to explore the needs stopping someone from saying ‘yes’.

Remember, great communication isn’t just about what you say, it’s about what other people hear. 

The 40-Word Rule

During difficult conversations, it’s important to be extremely concise. Aim to describe your observations, feelings, needs and requests in less than 40 words. Using more words suggests you’re justifying your needs, and this decreases their power.

‘Empathy is the gift of hearing someone without taking it personally,’—Marshall Rosenberg

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